Monday, March 30, 2009
In thinking and praying about my situation I came to the realization that I haven't been in a good relationship with God. I think I am at times because I read scripture, pray, tithe, and other Christian practices. But, I still felt empty. The real presence of Jesus felt far away. I was not connected. Maybe my relationship was more duty bound than authentic. I relate to God as master and I as servant. We all fall into this trap at some point in our lives and much of the time it is the result of guilt or blame put on us by others who we look to for guidance. I don't fault them as they are supposed to challenge us and guide us on the right path. Yet again, it can take us into a sense of failure, frustration and eventually despair. Going down that path only means I've bought into the lie. So how do I get out of this? I guess I have to reestablish my relationship with Jesus. Although it needs to be different than before. I have to really see him as a member of my family or as a good friend. I have to talk to him the way I talk to my friends and colleagues in everyday life. Let him know how I really feel, think and desire. It would be pointless telling him what I think he wants to hear. Or, say what I'm supposed to say. Poetic or self effacing prayers are nice but they aren't always where I am spiritually. God has to be related to as a real person. Aren't we made in his image? Can't we relate to him the way we relate to each other? As I prayer and speak with God in this fashion I feel the burden lifting off my soul. I want to be free of fear, doubt, hopelessness and guilt so that I can have a relationship with the Lord the way I do with my good friends here on earth. This is my strongest desire with God. To have a real authentic relationship. One with nothing between us. A relationship built on honesty and confidence.