Monday, March 30, 2009
In thinking and praying about my situation I came to the realization that I haven't been in a good relationship with God. I think I am at times because I read scripture, pray, tithe, and other Christian practices. But, I still felt empty. The real presence of Jesus felt far away. I was not connected. Maybe my relationship was more duty bound than authentic. I relate to God as master and I as servant. We all fall into this trap at some point in our lives and much of the time it is the result of guilt or blame put on us by others who we look to for guidance. I don't fault them as they are supposed to challenge us and guide us on the right path. Yet again, it can take us into a sense of failure, frustration and eventually despair. Going down that path only means I've bought into the lie. So how do I get out of this? I guess I have to reestablish my relationship with Jesus. Although it needs to be different than before. I have to really see him as a member of my family or as a good friend. I have to talk to him the way I talk to my friends and colleagues in everyday life. Let him know how I really feel, think and desire. It would be pointless telling him what I think he wants to hear. Or, say what I'm supposed to say. Poetic or self effacing prayers are nice but they aren't always where I am spiritually. God has to be related to as a real person. Aren't we made in his image? Can't we relate to him the way we relate to each other? As I prayer and speak with God in this fashion I feel the burden lifting off my soul. I want to be free of fear, doubt, hopelessness and guilt so that I can have a relationship with the Lord the way I do with my good friends here on earth. This is my strongest desire with God. To have a real authentic relationship. One with nothing between us. A relationship built on honesty and confidence.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm not sure how to go about this. I feel in my soul that I should begin with writting a blog. Will anyone see it? Will anyone care? I have no idea. But it is my hope to use this blog as a journal that I hope will help others to see things differently and maybe question themselves more than they would of others. It will be a way of looking inward and not out. Thinking outside the situation and not within. This will be a spiritual jounal if you need to know but it will be one that I will use to question myself more than others. Since that is where the journey leads me. I keep looking for solutions to problems and always seeing problems outside myself when in reality the problems I have are usually within me and not because of someone else. The world is very broken and always has been. I cannot change the world nor fix it. I can change myself and with grace fix myself. God is my source of energy and what keeps me moving through each day. He speaks to me in different ways and through different people trying to get his word through to me. So this blog is going to try and share what it is I see and hear God showing me.